The last few days have been tough. Maybe because I've been at the nadir of feeling the weakest from the Idarubicin (stronger of the two chemotherapy drugs that wipes out all your blood cells and takes about 30 days to recover from the day of the first dose). Maybe it's because the situation is finally really hitting me. Maybe I miss Katelyn so much my heart feels like it's ripping in two (I've seen her for about an hour and a half total in the last month.). Maybe it's all three. I've been crying at everything. I cry when I drink a smoothie. I cry when I put on chapstick (No, I'm not exaggerating.)
According to the oncologist, my white blood cell count should pop sometime around May 12th (a month post first dose of Idarubicin). I should be feeling a lot more energetic by then, and we should be moving forward on a plan to get me to out-patient status. There's just one caveat the oncologist was discussing with me this morning: I am still on the blood thinner IV to prevent the clotting complication that surfaced the other week. He said I won't be able to leave here until that risk is resolved. He plans to begin brainstorming solutions with the head oncologist this week. So that's my big unknown, in terms of beginning to move on.
At least my white blood cell count, and thus my immune system, should be returning in an anticipated number of days. That should make the Katelyn aspect easier because she will be able to visit more often, as well as making it easier for my parents to visit. Speaking of Katelyn, what better time to embarrass her than when I need something to smile about?
Ryan took the above picture after the Sesame Street 4-D show at Busch Gardens in March. The show was called 4-D because of the 3-D animation on screen, but also because the theatre has fake fireworks, bubbles, rumbling noises, etc.
Katelyn is obsessed with Elmo and Abby, and didn't take her glasses off the entire show. The picture is neither flattering of her, nor of me, but especially not of her. Her hair is greasy, she's got the over-sized fashion glasses, and the pacifier the size of her fist is a nice touch. And finally, she truly did make the show 4-D for me. She was so excited that she completely wet through her shorts and mine. I had to change both of our outfits once the show was over.
Despite our bathroom change, the entire day was fantastic. I have to keep reminding myself that what I'm going through now is a limited number of days. There will be more fantastic days ahead, and more 4-D shows. We will look back on this time as a bad dream. I just need to figure out a plan to emotionally get through each of these remaining days.
P.S. Katelyn: this photo is going in your wedding slide show!
Hang in there girlie!!! You have been SO strong throughout all of this. You are such an inspiration to all of us. I look for your posts everyday b/c you seriously make me feel better (it should really be the other way around!!!) I love this pic of you and Alyssa. BEAUTIFUL!! Soon enough you will be taking more silly pics together :)
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Andrea
Here's how I see it. Maybe your mood and had-enough feelings could be a sign that you are ready to head toward real recovery. Often, when we've been through a long ordeal, our resolve begins to give way when we've actually cleared the very worst of it. That and that the docs are talking about strategies beyond the hospital, which is always encouraging. And yes, there always seem to be those one or two sticky items that become "ifs" to watch.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, I keep fantasizing that one day you will be an unbelievable beacon to writers, the one who demonstrates that despite horrendous circumstances, continues to emerge and produce- and you're even writing through this.
I'm clear that when you take up your book again, it will have new strength that has the potential to serve others. In a way, the next phases of your recovery might be not only for you and your family, but for a larger community as well.
You will get there, and with flying colors. And you continue to inspire.
KEN